Better or Worse.

The other day I was looking at Sullivan as he was sleeping on my arm after an overdue nursing session and thinking to myself  " Am I as good of a mom to him as I was to Charleigh at this age?". I know I love him just as much but I often wonder if it's enough because he doesn't get all the long cuddles and snuggles, the undivided attention and the one on one time that Charleigh did. I almost always have to put him down (a little sooner than I'd like) to go help Charleigh do something or stop her from doing something that will result in her hurting herself. Sully does get the benefit of being the second child which I'm coming to realize might make up for not getting some of the things that Charleigh did. Sully gets to have a mom who is fairly confident in her mommy skills. He gets to have a mom that already read all the books on breastfeeding, sleeping and development, but skipped all the books on child birth the second time around..mostly just because I thought there wasn't anything I had missed.

 Ironically enough though, I don't even remember what it was like to just have Charleigh and be able to devote all my time to her when she was this young. The first several months of her life were such a sleep deprived and overwhelming saga that even reading back through journals and her baby book I barely remember anything about that time. Everything happens for a reason, but I felt like I was just getting to know her when she was hitting the 4 month mark, where Sully's first few months have been quite the opposite. I feel and have felt much more connected since the first moments with Sully than I ever did with Charleigh at this age. I know this is for many different reasons...but I'm just happy to say that while it didn't happen instantly like it does with some moms and babies, it still happened and Charleigh and I have no permanent relationship scars from those difficult and emotional newborn weeks.

While I knew having a toddler and an infant would be a challenge, I wasn't thinking that the toddler would be the reason it was so challenging. I'm pretty sure I've been up more at night because of her than him....she's determined to hold her spot in the family as the "needy child". Did I create that part of her??...perhaps, but that's a whole other issue.

I guess if I had to make a pro/con list for being first born vs a second child it would probably end up pretty even. Charleigh and Sullivan both got to experience a different version of a mom from day 1. First vs second child, winter vs summer birth, boy vs girl... I guess there really are far to many differences for anything to have really been comparable.  When it comes down to it... I love them both more than I'd ever thought possible and that's really all that matters.